Why children 'misbehave'
Or reframed as how children communicate they have stress and trauma that needs our support.....
The beautiful answer to that is there are 3 reasons!
They have an unmet need
They lack information
They have an accumulation of stress and trauma that needs to be released through crying, raging or laughter
Please find a detailed information sheet form Aletha’s website.
Aletha Solter the founder of the Aware Parenting philosophy says:
“Most unacceptable behavior can be explained by the fact that the child has a legitimate need, lacks information, or is suffering from stress or unhealed trauma. Because of this, punishment and withdrawal of love are never helpful in the long run. It is paradoxical, yet true: children are the most in need of loving attention when they act the least deserving of it ! If we can remember to look beneath the surface to figure out why children act the way they do, we can give them the kind of attention that is appropriate to each situation.”
For example last night my daughter was itchy scratchy. When we got back from Forest School, and I wouldn’t take her to skate park, I was the MEANEST mum in the world and didn’t care about her. I was wondering what had happened during the day?! And then opened her lunch box and noticed she hadn’t eaten much. So definitely an unmet need for food in the mix and tired after a long day and an onerous activity at forest school.
However, after eating things did settle, BUT then there was constant bickering with her sister, getting angry with me, wanting me to do things for her she normally does, not wanting to cooperate, lots og broken cookie moments etc etc etc! But as the evening unfolded a whole host of things that had accumulated feelings were brought into the light. Feelings of jealousy, not feeling as good as her sister, friendship issues, a difficult activity to navigate at forest school, feelings of powerlessness with having to wear a brace in her mouth etc etc! Because these events create stress (fight/flight or freeze responses) in the body children communicate to us that something is going on for them in these ways above or many other difficult behaviours.
If we want children to feel in balance again and return to their true states we need to support them by either.
meeting their needs (if we know what they are!?)
providing information
supporting them to release stored stress through crying, raging, laughter or talking ( not the sort of talking where we are asking whats the matter) with us providing “interactive repair" "interactive healing" "connected healing" “empathic listening” “emotional safety”and “loving limits” to support this.
Easier said than done when we did not receive this as children! But so empowering and such a deeply connected way to raise our children and heal ourselves. When we are struggling to support our children in these ways these are the very things we may need to consider…..
do we have unmet needs?
are we lacking some developmental information about our child?
do we need to release stored stress through crying, raging, laughter or talking?
Sending support and community as you navigate parenting in these revolutionary ways.
Written by Rebecca Sheikh
This was such a grounding read especially: “children are most in need of loving attention when they act the least deserving of it.”
I’ve been helping a friend build a tool called Playsense, it’s not about tracking or fixing, but about helping parents notice small signals in how their child is feeling, playing, and showing up.
Sometimes just logging a moment, like a meltdown after a skipped snack, a new bedtime ritual, a repeated phrase, can help parents see the emotional patterns underneath. And when they zoom out, the behavior starts to make more sense.
If any of that feels connected to your work, I’d love to share a link for you to try it.